Monday, June 27, 2005

Oh the agony of decorating.

Friday evening, our trunk full of IKEA textiles, the husband and I drove up to the house with a short list of things we were dying to accomplish before bedtime because, well, we're sick freaks who get excited about things like curtains and wiring the new tv to the new computer. Just to get it straight, and to maintain some sense about our genders, I was excited about the curtains and the husband was excited about the new tv/computer - not the other way around.

We rolled in to Sacto at about 9pm and immediately retired to the boudouir.

And I ironed. and ironed. I think I pressed about 4000 yards of fabric. And the husband hung the curtain rods.

This is what married people do in the bedroom.

But hey - we watched porn while doing it!

Ok, so it was a porno documentary. But before you judge me for spending my Friday evening ironing curtains while watching a porno documentary, I'll have you know that it was really a big ginormous train accident that I couldn't pull my attention from. Actually it was really ginormous breasts the size of train cars if you want to be specific. If you've ever heard of Lolo Ferrari then you know what I'm talking about:

http://www.sex-freak.net/shows/shw.54.php

Ok fine, judge me - I would judge me too.

At first, as you're watching this morbidly hilarious "documentary" you're thinking - what have I come to that I find this sort of thing worth my time? Then you're thinking - I need more wine.

But as you continue to watch the film, and consequently down more wine, you begin to realize that Lolo was just an insecure woman looking for love and seeking acceptance by surgically growing her breasts to the size of small children. Can't we all really relate to that? It seems clear that she was really onto something here.

So I continued to watch (encouraged by more wine) and ironed. Then came the hemming of the curtains part which sounds easy, looks easy, and probably SHOULD be easy but I assure you it's not. Take for example the hemming tape they give you with the curtains. You're supposed to just fold the fabric over it, press down with the iron, and the tape magically turns to glue and holds the hem! But how is this supposed to work if the iron keeps turning off when you walk away to go pour more wine?

And measuring the hem - oh now that's a joke if you ask me. At first, it seemed the smartest thing to do here was to measure how much you want to cut off the end being that it's the shortest distance.

Ok, 15 inches sounds good, but let's measure twice to be sure. "Measure once, cut twice" I always say.

Wait.

Well anyway - who needs some stupid addage.

Measurement #2 - 16 inches. Huh...well, I'm thinking that the whole idea of measuring twice is to make sure you get the same measurement BOTH times.

Third time's the charm? Measure #3 - 14 inches.

Oh my god the curtain is growing AND shrinking as I'm STANDING here.

"honey - better get me some more wine, I'm going to have to stand here and ponder this for a bit"

Must learn more about Lolo.

Surprise surprise, the insecure, self-loathing woman died of a drug overdose. But if you ask me, she died because her boobs crushed her internal organs. But that doesn't look very good on the autopsy report and I'm sure the coroner just felt sorry for her mother. "Drug overdose" is much more calming.

Oddly enough, by 1pm I had actually managed to hang all the curtains I had set out to hang. And they are actually hanging evenly. Either that or my husband went and adjusted the curtain rod when I wasn't looking to make them appear that way. Hmmmm...should probably inquire.

As for the new tv project that the husband was planning on working on that evening - well, that's what we watched the porn documentary on.

wine + me = slow and inefficient, but highly amusing and entertaining

wine + husband = pretty productive considering he has the decency to wait until AFTER his project is finished to drink so that he can sit back and watch me thrash wildy with 4000 yards of fabric.

1 Comments:

Blogger Michele said...

Oh my lord! How does she even remain upright!!

6/28/2005 3:49 PM

 

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