There is no title that aptly describes this...

So sorry to drop that little juicy teaser yesterday morning and not elaborate further. But I promise, I was only looking out for my adoring fans. If I had gone into further detail given my state at the time the story would have resembled literary vomit.

So!

About that drunken debacle.

The weekend started out innocently enough. The BestFriend, The Husband, and I had headed up to Donner Lake for a weekend of rest, relaxation, and apparently babysitting. Only there were no babies in sight. Just full grown adults.

THAT ACT LIKE LITTLE TODDLERS.

The BestFriend's little sister came along with a few friends in tow. Bless her heart, she meant well. She invited these people along for some fun. But one of these friends has "issues". Issues that failed to go unnoticed until now because lil' sis has only known this "friend" for maybe a month or two.

Hell, I probably know the guy at the front desk of Gold's gym better.

At first we just started noticing little things that we chronicled as "odd". For example, apparently she thought that the only towel in the bathroom she was sharing with 3 other people was specifically meant for her. Nevermind that she had been instructed to bring her own towels. That fresh clean towel was left there. For her. By the towel gnomes.

Apparently.

It's not like it was my BestFriend's towel or anything. The gnomes left it there for her.

And what a relationship she had with this towel. All weekend long she dragged it around. Down to the lake. Into the dining room. It spent some time in each bathroom. She liked to carry it on her shoulder as she walked around.

Busy towel.

And yet she never seemed clean.

Another weird thing considering she probably took 3 showers a day.

We have since determined that she probably doesn't know how to use soap or shampoo. She didn't bring any for one. Come to think of it, a toothbrush and deodorant were missing from the bathroom as well.

Perhaps she has toothbrush gnomes that come in the night and take care of that for her?

Good lord this girl was strange.

We tried to ignore her most of the time. She just kind of came and went. With a string of constant commentary.

Yea. She couldn't shut up either. And she found everything "fascinating!" and "awesome!". Oh yes, the world is just one big fascinatingly awesome place.

I realize now that hindsight is most definitely 20/20. The events I am about to unfold cleared a lot up for us. Had we been more on our toes we might have seen it coming. But again, that whole damn hindsight thing.

Our last night at the cabin pretty much encompassed all the usual nefarious activities the previous evenings entailed.

In short: drinking.

We make no excuses. We hide nothing. We are not ashamed. We drink. Vacation: drink.

Plain and simple.

And we cook. But that's really of no concern.

So we started out the evening with a ginormous jug of Sangria. Yes, a jug.






Just in case we're unclear:





Only in this pic the bottle is totally empty.

And it's like only 9pm.

Clear now?








And then we moved on to Blue kamikazes...

And I was JUST about to move on to cracking open a bottle of white wine when it occurred to us that TowelGirl was missing.

Like we really cared.

But you know. It's kind of a good idea to keep a tab on things. Especially when we're, like, the "responsible adults".

Heh.

And that's when our attention was drawn to the dock down at the lake.

TowelGirl was down there hanging out. Probably smoking a cigarette.

So what do we do?

The only clear thing to do when you've just help down over 3 Liters of wine.

We all started to yell "JUMP!"

I should stop here and probably make it known that we were not really that trashed. Sure we had a lot to drink. But we ARE professionals here. Not only do we have decent tolerances...

We started drinking at, like, 4pm.

By this point in time we're all standing on the deck yelling down to the lake. It's dark, we can't see her.

TowelGirl: "should I?"

Again, that whole hindsight thing? Sigh.

We all shout back: "YEEEEEEAAAAA!"

TowelGirl: "I totally will if you bring down my towel!"

BestFriend (says to me): That's MY towel. Bitch.

So we all start wondering down to the dock in the dark. And it's all calm and nice out. The BestFriend and I lie on our backs and check out the Milky Way. TowelGirl didn't seem all that drunk so we weren't really concerned she was going to jump in.

And yes, by this point it HAD occurred to us that TowelGirl + Booze + JumpingInLake = BAD

But we didn't really think it was going to happen until she actually did.

And again, STILL not worried because it's not like she FELL in. And we WERE, you know, kind of, ahem, coaxing her to do it.

And then she started being a pain about getting out. And the words coming out of her mouth appeared to be slurred.

And then the belligerence started.

And then my nice wine high obliterated.

Dumb bitch.

We knew we had to get her out of the water (useful info: lake was 66 degrees). And we knew it was going to be a lame, annoying, and overall stupid experience.

After much cajoling and affirming that we did not in fact think she was trashed, and yes we knew she could swim just fine, and no we were not patronizing her...we finally got her back on to the dock and wrapped in "her" towel.

And everyone started walking back up the trail to the cabin.

And she fell in. With "her" towel.

Up until this point I actually thought (foolishly yes) that we could make it up to the cabin, and proceed with the rest of our bingefest. We had more wine and Sex and the City on DVD planned. I NEEDED to believe we were going to make it back with little intervention.

And there she was in the lake again. Yelling "I'm fiiiiiiiiiine you guys...it's noooooo big deeeeal". So we drag her heavy, water-laden, ass out of the lake again. Yea, did I remind you that she's a big girl?

Yea.

Big.

How we were actually managing to haul her out is beyond me.

And lil' sis even managed to wade in and find the damn towel too.

And then...can you guess?

Yeeeeeaaaaaa...into the lake again!

Weeeeeeee, this is fun! It's like a game!

Only this time she fell in on the OTHER side of the dock. The shallow side to be more specific. The side with the big slippery rocks.

Any shred of alcohol still numbing our senses was now permanently gone as we stood there looking at her, clearly stunned from the fall, and not standing up. Fortunately she was ok because she eventually did stand. And we lugged her back on to the dock. Did I mention how FUN this was?

Yea. Weeeeee, fun.

And I dragged her onto the dirt AWAY from the water. And then the belligerence came again.

And all the while I'm thinking "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" over and over again. And she's being snotty and yelling "YOU GUYS I'M SO NOT DRUNK!" in a *you assholes how dare you* tone of voice.

I could have kicked her. Only I wanted a glass of wine and some Sex and the City and the only way I was going to get that was if she would just drag her fat, towel obsessed ass, up to the cabin.

I finally had to convince her that I was cold and drunk and needed HER to help me up the trail into the cabin. She quickly stopped staggering and nearly falling into the bushes, and then grabbed me around the waist with superhuman strength and hauled me up the trail.

And I'm going to get the rest of the story down later.

This is already so long I'm worried I've lost all your attention and that no one has actually read this far.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Oh yea, that and I have work. Or some shit like that.

Man, I am just one big tease!