Thursday, November 03, 2005

Deep Thoughts? What's happened to me?!

I was recently reading a blog which has put me in a more serious mood for blogging (thanks a hell of a lot Tiff). I finally get around to blogging and I'm SO not feeling funny.

This will me my very first, official, serious blog, officially. This ought to be interesting.

Warning: for those of you looking for witty and smarmy banter - I'd like to think you'd get it here normally. But not today! Today I have my serious cap on!

So. On to the subject of wants, wanting what we can't have, not getting what we want, wanting, wanting wanting.

Of the many things I've learned in my short (albeit eventful) life, one thing that is pertinent to this topic (how convenient) is that when you want something either you need to go for it, or?

...squash it for good and never look back because you will do nothing but tear yourself up and torture yourself with dissatisfaction for as long as you continue to go without that want being met.

Now, I could go on talking figuratively - never really emphasizing any real point I'm getting at. But I hate doing that.

It's just cause for confusion.

So I will attempt to be more specific.

The first thing that comes to my mind when it comes to "wants" is relationships. Afterall, it's where a vast majority of our wants in life stem from. And we've got all kinds of relationships - working ones, family ones, intimate ones, etc. But today, boys and girls, I will be focusing more seriously about relationships with men.

Once upon a time I dated a guy for a good chunk of my adult life. For those in my audience who know the real 3-D mary, they will remember him fondly as the what-the-fuck-was-mary-thinking? guy.

Or, the Artist.

Retrospectively I agree with all the opinions - he was a "unique" boyfriend.

What this has to do with my theme of the day is that I WANTED certain things out of life and he was not going to give those things to me. And that was ultimately the ruin of that relationship. It was slow, and took me forever to figure out. But if I had to put my finger on why we didn't make it and I don't go home to him every night today - it's because (cliche alert)...we wanted different things.

I shall elaborate.

I wanted kids. He didn't.

I wanted a house. He could never ever ever ever in a million years guarantee he would have rent money next month. So to him, it was out of the question, so wanting wasn't an option.

I wanted marriage. He wasn't really sure about that other than maybe it would gain him financial security (regular paycheck = me). But ultimately? Eh. not really. Marriage didn't mean all that much to him.

At the time I was in my young 20's. Every time I wondered if I could really compromise my wants I shrugged it off because I was too young to worry about it. Which was true. I was having fun. The Artist was a sweet guy. Weird yes. Sweet, fun, handy in the kitchen, yes. So I had no real deadlines or goals to meet anytime soon.

But it harped on me. Because I knew one day that I would be older and I would have to make a choice.

Were those wants really important to me? And if I told myself they weren't, was I prepared to never look back? Because you do that and you find yourself in your 40's - wanting kids and unable to conceive, and having just ruined your relationship with the man you sacrificed your wants for because you subconsciously resented him for not wanting the same things as you. And you can't take it anymore so you leave him to find someone else who has the same wants in life.

So why did you stay with him all along? So you could just widdle away 15 years of your life for fun? Wee fun!

It doesn't go away.

5 years I was with someone who wanted different things. 4 years of which I told myself I didn't have to make a decision. And after 4.5 years I woke up and realized that I WANTED these things. I would look back and hate myself for letting them slip away. You live one life, blah blah blah.

And after 5 years I intentionally walked away from a relationship that, while fun and entertaining and secure, was going to kill me because I would compromise things I wanted just so I wouldn't have to break his heart. Because, after all, he had everything HE wanted.

Fair?

No.

I got angry. Angry because I just sat down and took it. Angry because I wasn't honest with myself and just spent 5 years with a guy who I thought was selfish for getting everything HE wanted out of our relationship but gave me nothing I wanted. And jealous because I lived with a guy who had a great relationship and that's what I wanted.

In hindsight I know that I had no reason to be angry at him. Afterall I never told him I wanted those things. I knew he didn't - because, GASP!, he was honest with me - so I didn't contradict him. I feared our relationship would fail because I wanted different things so I kept my mouth shut.

Ironic huh?

Our different wants in life still killed the relationship. It was just more of a long drawn out slow suffocation rather than a quick heart attack.

Every day we are faced with wanting things. A new car. New job. New hair cut. A new body, new wardrobe, new housemate, a new cat (cuz god knows if you have to pick up cat vomit ONE more time...).

But what are the "wants" that, after the day is up, we NEED them?

What are the wants that have always been there, the ones with staying power?

The ones that caused you to put on your best dress and play wedding when you were 6 years old? Or cradle your baby doll to sleep? Or build houses in your living room out of couch cushions, blankets, and pillows?

For me?

Kids, a house, a marriage.

And I know that it's not 100% possible. Life happens and we're met with obstacles. And not everyone has all their core "wants" met.

But when I was faced with giving them up but never really letting them go, or getting out of a relationship that wasn't giving me what I wanted and taking the chance of finding one that would?

I'm young - those were odds I was willing to risk. And I was damned to not even fight for them.

And I feel a bit of a hypocrite because there was a man who actually wanted to give me all the things I want in life waiting right around the corner. So it appears I had it easy. But I still had to make the choice to be honest with myself about my wants, to leave the artist, and break his heart. I still cryed on my Best Friends shoulder, fell off the face of the planet to my family, packed my cats, my things, and told him goodbye.

The rest was just good timing.

Thank you Tiff for inspiring me to write something a little more candid and thoughtful.

10 Comments:

Blogger Tiffany said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11/04/2005 11:22 AM

 
Blogger Tiffany said...

Okay so I was out sick yesterday and am just now getting to this... (Although I will admit to not checking here as often as I should given the long delays between posts - ahem!)

Just so you know - I am sitting here at my desk with tears in my eyes and you had better hope no one comes by to talk to me until the red and puffy goes away or I will full on blame you and every one here at mondo-gargantuan bank will think that you are a mean mean person.

That being said - thanks for sharing your story. I remember the Artist but thought the demise of that relationship had more to do with the "what-was-Mary-thinking" than the other issues you mentioned.

It's a hard decision you made. And you are more brave than me for being able to discuss it so freely.

Here's to the the candid and thoughtful Mary! Though if either one of you wanted to blog a bit more frequently I think your fans would be happy!

11/04/2005 11:24 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When are you going to reconnect with your family (you know, make it a point to spend time, have dinners, celebrate birthdays, etc)? :)

11/04/2005 8:25 PM

 
Blogger Michele said...

Wow, great entry, even if it made Tiff cry.

Does that last comment have anything to do with this entry at all??

11/05/2005 3:32 PM

 
Blogger Liz said...

It amazes me that people post comments with no relevance to the contents of the blog.

And to post it anonymously is cowardly to me.

I'm just saying is all!

Mary- your blog was a very honest portrayal of emotions and issues that a lot of women face. I admire your ability to recognize what you wanted and make the sacrifice for it. I am happy for you that it turned out for the best.

11/05/2005 4:51 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure - the last bit of, "still cryed on my Best Friends shoulder, fell off the face of the planet to my family, packed my cats, my things, and told him goodbye."

11/05/2005 4:53 PM

 
Blogger Tiffany said...

Don't let the anonymous commenter get to you Mary - life's too short. Make time for the people who matter and who make time for you.

I've still not forgiven you for the random crying jag I had at work though!

You always make me think... or laugh!

11/05/2005 4:54 PM

 
Blogger Tiffany said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11/05/2005 4:58 PM

 
Blogger Liz said...

Anonymous is missing the big picture, the blog has nothing to do with her family. And how do you know that she hasn't reconnected with her family?

11/05/2005 5:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know because I am part of her family. And we miss her.

11/05/2005 5:03 PM

 

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